performanceauditorsaywhat? August 19, 2009

Over the 4th of July weekend, my sister and her fiance (both talented beautiful Hollywood actor-gonna-be’s) were invited to a BBQ at the home of a recognizable Hollywood actress.  Upon hearing that my sister had family who lived nearby, the host - bless her heart – invited me and Chris (my fiance) over, as well.

The drive from San Clemente (a beach community on the Orange and San Diego county line; claimed by the OC) to Hollywood was a bear, especially on the holiday weekend, but we settled into Chris’ car for the nearly 2-hour drive with dignity and Starbucks.

It wasn’t too far into our drive that I began imagining what this BBQ would be like.  Cocktails and skimpy outfits?  Name-dropping and expensive cars?  Incredible conversations with people I’d never get a chance to meet in my usual day-to-day…the possibilities were endless!   The party was fantastic.  The people were beautiful and fun, witty and humorous.  The conversations, though, didn’t go that well.  Are we about ready for a flashback?  I think so:

“Hi!  I’m <Insert some Awesome New Person’s Name>.”

“Hi. I’m Sonja.”

“Hey.  Are you friends of <Host’s Name>?”

“Friends of friends.”

“Good enough.  Lots of people here.  Pretty good turn out.”

“I’ll say.”

“You in the industry?”

CUT: Believe it or not, this comes up in about the first five minutes of most conversations that I have had with non-students/strangers while living in Malibu and Burbank – and about the first 2 minutes of any conversation struck up while shopping in Beverly Hills.

“Uh…no. ”

“Oh! What do you do?”

“I’m a performance auditor.  Don’t worry, I’m not with the IRS,” I say as ANP’s eyes glaze over.  “I’m a performance auditor….”

THE END

What have we learned here?  People have no idea what auditors do but they don’t usually like them.  Understandably, people think of numbers, IRS, accounting, and codes and regulations, but there are many of us who consider mathematics a necessary evil and shudder just  as violently as the next guy at the thought of the IRS.   I’m not saying that numbers, accounting, codes, and regulations don’t play a major role in even the Performance Auditor’s life, but its about so much more.

There are three general types of audits:

1) Performance audits (I list it first because its the most awesome)

2) Compliance audits

3) Financial audits

Performance auditors audit programs, functions, procedures, etc., to determine the efficiency, effectiveness, and economy of that particular entity.  I’ve audited everything from the Spay and Neutering program of a City’s Animal Service Department to a City Library’s purchasing of new materials.  Not all audits are as interesting as the next, but in each, you’re presented with a question or a potential problem and its up to you to figure out how that operation/program works, how its supposed to work, why its not working the way it should (if that’s the case), and make recommendations on how to make it better. You’re essentially a lifetime student.  Performance Auditors become mini-experts in the most interesting (however strange) subject areas!  Not many other people are able to sneak peeks into the lives and businesses around them.  I could tell you the number of burglaries at UC Berkeley in 2005, the most difficult skills for Firefighters to learn during Drill Tower (training for wanna-be firefighters), and that the most common name (an estimated 85%) for licensed chihuahuas in Los Angeles is Princess.

For those of you with Public Policy educations, this is the stuff dreams are made of: statistics and economics married and living in a dream house filled with policy and problems to be solved.  My assignments can come from a number of places: they can be based upon the City Auditor’s annual risk assessment which identifies areas of highest risk; they can be based upon concerns of the public or other stakeholders; they can be requested by the Department itself, hoping to find ways to be more efficient.

In conclusion: Don’t hate.  If you must, consider us consultants (I do).  Maybe I should tell people that I’m a governmental consultant.  Maybe then I could make some new friends.

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LITERATURE BREAK:  It’s been a longtime dream of mine to own a children’s bookstore some day.  I actually hope to eventually write children’s books and so, you’ll often see me carrying about various non-adult books and reading them happily!  Currently (albeit a bit behind), I’m reading Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief (Book 1) by Rick Riodan.  Has anyone else heard/read this?  It reminded me instantly of Harry Potter (which I adore – don’t get me started!).  Its a little unfair, I think, though, to hold every new item I read up to J.K. Rowling’s sheer awesomeness.  That said, I do enjoy being reunited with Greek Mythology, which I haven’t dealt much which since 5th grade or so (unless you count a few trips to the Getty Villa Museum in Malibu).

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